Semicolons, Colons, and Commas...Oh my!

In psychology, there is a cognitive bias known as "illusory superiority" wherein people tend to overestimate their positive qualities and underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others. This false sense of awesomeness can range from intelligence to task performance to the possession of desirable personality traits. It's sometimes referred to as the "above-average effect" or the "superiority bias."

Either way, this psychological condition deludes people into thinking they're the most awesome. "Everything about me is better than average. Everything about me is at least slightly better than half of the other people's things."

But you know what? Statistically that's not even possible. Logically speaking, WE CAN'T ALL BE ABOVE AVERAGE. Because what is average even? If everyone's above average, then no one's above average.

"That's all very well. But I'm still above average," you say.

And that's fine. You're stickin' with your guns on this one, and that's admirable.

But despite people's inclination to love themselves, there is one thing on which we are ALL below average. (Don't question the math.)

So...do you know how to use a semicolon? Or a colon for that matter?

Because I don't.

Or I didn't. Til I looked it up.

You wanna know?

Okay, here goes.

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THE SEMICOLON [;]

 A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses that are NOT joined by a conjunction.

One day, as I was washing my dishes, a spider appeared beside me; I didn't know what to do.

Soapy hands rendered any size advantage I had completely useless.

Connectives (like however and nonetheless) are not the same thing as conjunctions. Semicolons can still be used.

I wanted to scream; however, there was another person cooking in the kitchen who, despite my squeals, remained completely unaware of our imminent danger.

Nothing. Completely unresponsive. You suck, kitchen girl, you really do.

I chuckled in a feeble attempt at kitchen bonding.

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THE COLON [:]

 A colon is used to announce a list of examples or to expand upon what has just been said. The opening sentence MUST already be grammatically complete.

I was forced against my better judgement to continue washing my dishes: vigilant, hyper-aware, and ready for anything.

But don't you think for a SECOND I took my eye off that spider...

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THE COMMA [,]

There are 3 types of commas in the English language: conventional commas, series commas, and modifier commas.

Conventional commas

There are certain places in sentences where commas belong: between a date and a year (July 14, 1789), between the name of a town and its state (Kalamazoo, Michigan), and in conjunction with quoted utterances.

A million years later, my kitchen friend departed. "Bye," she didn't say because she's horrible.

Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that on December 11, 2011 in Nice, France, I had my first panic attack.

OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD

Series commas

A series comma is used to separate conjoined items or items in a series.

EXCEPTIONS:

1. Two constituents joined by a coordinating conjunction (like "and," "but," and "or") are not separated by a comma. (I can't find my shoes or my crossbow.)

2. Sentences conjoined by "and" are separated by commas. (I think I put too much water in my quinoa, and I don't have many problems.)

I tried capturing the spider, staring at it, and fanning it to death.

Ineffective.

Modifier commas

Modifiers are set off by commas as they would be set off by pauses in speech.

(Subjects and complements are never set off by commas on their own.)

And then something terrible happened, something no one talks about. That spider straight-up levitated.

I call it the Chris Angel of DEATH.

Caught completely off-guard, I persevered, Hulking out and forcing that spider into the bowels of the French plumbing system. What a watery grave it was.

DOWN CAME THE RAIN

Grice's Maxims

Sometimes weird things happen. Things so weird that you stand in abject confusion, having forgotten how to respond like a human anymore. You stand there, silent, eyes squinting, slowly realizing how long you've been standing there, silent, and how your face is no longer being controlled by your face.

Sometimes weird things happen.

Last year, I worked at a large pet supplies store, which shall remain nameless. While standing at the counter, a grayish woman, with smeared lipstick and an inordinate number of snaggleteeth, hobbled toward the checkout.

Unfortunately, this was not uncommon. What was uncommon was what happened next.

Gray: Does this fish food smell?

Me: I'm not sure. It probably just smells like fish food.

Gray: But does it SMELL?

Me: Um, you can open it if you want...?

Gray: (sniff) Oh that doesn't smell very bad.

Me: Oh good!

Gray: No, I need it to stink.

Me: I'm sorry?

Gray: I need one that stinks.

Me: Um-

Gray: See, my husband broke both his feet.

Me: ...uh huh...

Gray: And he's been tormentin' me.

Me: ...riiight...

Gray: And I want some fish food that smells real bad, so I can rub it on myself, so he'll stop tormentin' me.

This went on for several minutes. Several minutes too many.

Eventually, she left with a divorce lawyer who was conveniently standing right behind her in line because life is weird.

"If it doesn't smell bad enough, you can always bring it back..."

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This got me to thinking about something I learned in school: Grice's Maxims.

Grice's Maxims are a list of conversation rules for cooperative speech.

"Make your conversational contribution what is required, at the stage at which it occurs, by the accepted purpose or direction of the talk exchange in which you are engaged."

This woman literally broke every single maxim. And maybe that's why I forgot how to respond like a human. Maybe.

1. Maxim of Quantity
          -Make your contribution as informative as required.
          -Don't make your contribution more informative than is required.

2. Maxim of Quality
          -Don't say what you believe to be false.
          -Don't say what you lack adequate evidence for.

3. Maxim of Relation
          -Be relevant. (seriously though...)

4. Maxim of Manner
          -Avoid obscurity of expression.
          -Avoid ambiguity.
          -Be brief (avoid unnecessary prolixity)
          -Be orderly.

I've decided that the best way to deal with these people is just to smile and nod.

They don't notice anyway.

Adverbs

Once upon a time...

Man: Officer! Officer! I need help!
Officer: What seems to be the problem?
Man: Murder! There was a murder!
Officer: A murder?!
Man: A murder!
Officer: Where?
Man: Um...uh...there was a murder.
Officer: I heard that! Where was the murder?
Man: Um...hm...see I know there was a murder. There's a place. And I saw a murder.
Officer: But WHERE did you see it?
Man: I...don't know.
Officer: You don't know?
Man: I don't know.
Officer: Okay, well when was it?
Man: When was what?
Officer: THE MURDER!
Man: Okay see that's the thing. There was a day. Um...there was this day. And a murder. I saw it.
Officer: Today? Yesterday? What's going on?
Man: It happened!
Officer: Well, who was it? Who was killed?!
Man: Oh! I know that! It was a man that I met!
Officer: How did you meet him?!
Man: I...met him!
Officer: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

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Now, I imagine you're probably sitting there laying there with your computer propped up on your stomach, elbow deep in some sort of cheesy chippy food, thinking to yourself, "Well, that made zero sense. I'm going X out of this browser now."

BUT WAIT!

You, my friend, have stumbled quite conveniently right into the thick of my point.

So what did I intend to be gleaned from the dialogue above?

Well, for one thing, murder is wrong. We'll just go ahead and put that out there.

But the second, and arguably more important, message is that language is nothing without the adverb.

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An adverb is a word that can modify a verb, an adjective, another adverb, a phrase, or a clause. So basically most things.

An adverb can indicate manner, time, place, cause, or degree and answers questions such as 'how,' 'when,' 'where,' and 'how much.'

Now, when identifying an adverb in its natural habitat, the easiest way to find one is to seek out the words ending in an -ly suffix.

Remember though! It's the -ly SUFFIX. Not just any old -ly. "Molly" does not mean "in a mol way." That doesn't even make sense. Why would you think that?

For instance, let's take the word "literally." This means "in a literal way." See? It's easy!

Side note: "Literally" means "in a literal way" or "actually" and "without exaggeration." There has been a recent trend among young people to use the word "literally" to mean something very not literal. So be aware. If you were to say, "I literally laughed to death," THIS is what you are implying:

Or if you said, "I was literally glued to my seat," THIS is what I envision:

The misuse of "literally" can be very confusing.

I literally punched his face off.

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So -ly introduces an adverb in its most recognizable form, but just like being green, it's not that easy.

See, there are these things called adverbials. An adverbial is anything that behaves like an adverb (i.e. doing those things I mentioned above - manner, place, blah blah blah). BUT an adverbial is more all-encompassing. While an adverb is the singular word, an adverbial can be either a single word or a phrase.

So they behave in the same way but look a little different.

But FIRST, let's look at all the different types of adverbs. There are lots.

1. So, closely linked to the -ly adverbs are the adverbs that tell how something was done or the manner in which it was done.

          EXAMPLES: fleetingly, happily, gruesomely, flabbily

Her face hung droopily.

2. The next kind of adverb denotes where something happened.

          EXAMPLES: inside, somewhere, there, upstairs

My llama here thinks it's a flamingo.

3. The third kind of adverb tells when something happens.

          EXAMPLES: today, often, early, always

Yesterday, my cactus died.

4. Adverbs can also tell the extent of an action (the extent to which something is done or an action was executed).

          EXAMPLES: enough, too, rather, only

Skiing was very scary, and I also almost died.

5. Adverbs can behave as INTENSIFIERS!

It does so by putting more or less emphasis on the word, amplifying the meaning or toning it down.

          EXAMPLES: really, so, somewhat, almost

I really hate wearing shoes.

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Now, adverbials are a little different. Essentially they are adverb phrases that can tell how, when, where, and to what extent or purpose. A lot of times, they start with a preposition or the infinitive form of a verb.

          EXAMPLES: with a hammer, to buy an eggplant, every Wednesday, under the bear

The whale brushed its hair with a whalebrush.