Either way, this psychological condition deludes people into thinking they're the most awesome. "Everything about me is better than average. Everything about me is at least slightly better than half of the other people's things."
But you know what? Statistically that's not even possible. Logically speaking, WE CAN'T ALL BE ABOVE AVERAGE. Because what is average even? If everyone's above average, then no one's above average.
"That's all very well. But I'm still above average," you say.
And that's fine. You're stickin' with your guns on this one, and that's admirable.
But despite people's inclination to love themselves, there is one thing on which we are ALL below average. (Don't question the math.)
So...do you know how to use a semicolon? Or a colon for that matter?
Because I don't.
Or I didn't. Til I looked it up.
You wanna know?
Okay, here goes.
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THE SEMICOLON [;]
A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses that are NOT joined by a conjunction.
One day, as I was washing my dishes, a spider appeared beside me; I didn't know what to do.
 |
| Soapy hands rendered any size advantage I had completely useless. |
Connectives (like however and nonetheless) are not the same thing as conjunctions. Semicolons can still be used.
I wanted to scream; however, there was another person cooking in the kitchen who, despite my squeals, remained completely unaware of our imminent danger.
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| Nothing. Completely unresponsive. You suck, kitchen girl, you really do. |
 |
| I chuckled in a feeble attempt at kitchen bonding. |
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THE COLON [:]
A colon is used to announce a list of examples or to expand upon what has just been said. The opening sentence MUST already be grammatically complete.
I was forced against my better judgement to continue washing my dishes: vigilant, hyper-aware, and ready for anything.
 |
| But don't you think for a SECOND I took my eye off that spider... |
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THE COMMA [,]
There are 3 types of commas in the English language: conventional commas, series commas, and modifier commas.
Conventional commas
There are certain places in sentences where commas belong: between a date and a year (July 14, 1789), between the name of a town and its state (Kalamazoo, Michigan), and in conjunction with quoted utterances.
A million years later, my kitchen friend departed. "Bye," she didn't say because she's horrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that on December 11, 2011 in Nice, France, I had my first panic attack.
 |
| OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD |
Series commas
A series comma is used to separate conjoined items or items in a series.
EXCEPTIONS:
1. Two constituents joined by a coordinating conjunction (like "and," "but," and "or") are not separated by a comma. (I can't find my shoes or my crossbow.)
2. Sentences conjoined by "and" are separated by commas. (I think I put too much water in my quinoa, and I don't have many problems.)
I tried capturing the spider, staring at it, and fanning it to death.
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| Ineffective. |
Modifier commas
Modifiers are set off by commas as they would be set off by pauses in speech.
(Subjects and complements are never set off by commas on their own.)
And then something terrible happened, something no one talks about. That spider straight-up levitated.
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| I call it the Chris Angel of DEATH. |
Caught completely off-guard, I persevered, Hulking out and forcing that spider into the bowels of the French plumbing system. What a watery grave it was.
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| DOWN CAME THE RAIN |
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