Grice's Maxims

Sometimes weird things happen. Things so weird that you stand in abject confusion, having forgotten how to respond like a human anymore. You stand there, silent, eyes squinting, slowly realizing how long you've been standing there, silent, and how your face is no longer being controlled by your face.

Sometimes weird things happen.

Last year, I worked at a large pet supplies store, which shall remain nameless. While standing at the counter, a grayish woman, with smeared lipstick and an inordinate number of snaggleteeth, hobbled toward the checkout.

Unfortunately, this was not uncommon. What was uncommon was what happened next.

Gray: Does this fish food smell?

Me: I'm not sure. It probably just smells like fish food.

Gray: But does it SMELL?

Me: Um, you can open it if you want...?

Gray: (sniff) Oh that doesn't smell very bad.

Me: Oh good!

Gray: No, I need it to stink.

Me: I'm sorry?

Gray: I need one that stinks.

Me: Um-

Gray: See, my husband broke both his feet.

Me: ...uh huh...

Gray: And he's been tormentin' me.

Me: ...riiight...

Gray: And I want some fish food that smells real bad, so I can rub it on myself, so he'll stop tormentin' me.

This went on for several minutes. Several minutes too many.

Eventually, she left with a divorce lawyer who was conveniently standing right behind her in line because life is weird.

"If it doesn't smell bad enough, you can always bring it back..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This got me to thinking about something I learned in school: Grice's Maxims.

Grice's Maxims are a list of conversation rules for cooperative speech.

"Make your conversational contribution what is required, at the stage at which it occurs, by the accepted purpose or direction of the talk exchange in which you are engaged."

This woman literally broke every single maxim. And maybe that's why I forgot how to respond like a human. Maybe.

1. Maxim of Quantity
          -Make your contribution as informative as required.
          -Don't make your contribution more informative than is required.

2. Maxim of Quality
          -Don't say what you believe to be false.
          -Don't say what you lack adequate evidence for.

3. Maxim of Relation
          -Be relevant. (seriously though...)

4. Maxim of Manner
          -Avoid obscurity of expression.
          -Avoid ambiguity.
          -Be brief (avoid unnecessary prolixity)
          -Be orderly.

I've decided that the best way to deal with these people is just to smile and nod.

They don't notice anyway.